I have been so insecure lately, it's ridiculous. I've come back to the conclusion that I either have very few friends with substance in my life or I repel most people, I am unloveable, maybe worse, unlikeable. No matter which scenario I choose it's scary and unsettling. And so here, I believe, is the wall.
I know that in town I have Nicole, Kayla and Deeb. Sadly, I never see any of them lately. Nicole doesn't seem to want to go walking anymore (I know it's been cold, but still). Kayla is busy with college and fixing her situation with Adam. Deeb spends weekends with her boyfriend. And, to make matters worse, I no longer feel comfortable calling and talking to anyone about my issues. I'm scared my vulnerability and problems will do what they have seemed to do to everyone I have ever been truly close to, inform them once and for all that I am crazy and not worth the trouble. So, for the most part I shut up and try to smile. But God, I'm so miserable right now.
I know that outside of town I have Emily and Haley, two people I care VERY very much for, but distance is hard and they have their own struggles to deal with. And, again, here is the wall.
I feel often that I am too different to connect with the majority of the world. I've talked with my mom about it before. She usually says something like "Shaunie, don't you think it's a little self absorbed to feel that you are COMPLETELY different from the other 6 billion people on this Earth?" My answer? Self Absorbed...no, self absorbed isn't the right set of words at all. I don't know what they are, but that isn't it. Self blaming, maybe? I always feel that it is my fault my relationships all seem to slowly disinegrate. I am too critical of others, I am too serious, I am too funny, I am irresponsible, exaggerating. I am simply not.good.enough. So, yes, self blame sounds about right. Is it true? I can't come up with any other reason.
Sarah Mundy and I no longer speak much at all. Ms. Baker and I are like strangers who never understood and do not stand on the same earth as one another. I can't tell you how muh that hurts...she is someone I once respected above most all other adults. She did a lot for me, helped me pick myself up out of the mess my life was a couple years back. And I would like to think I helped her too, in some small way. Now she sees me as defensive, tempermental, or "out of sorts" as she last said. And why should I be angry? I am "out of sorts" so to speak. I guess I just always hoped the people I trusted most would be able to deal with me, and love me anyway, all faults included. That's what I'm most scared of, right there...that maybe, no one ever will. What is life if we have to go through it alone?
Am I defected? Is there something wrong with me that makes people shirk away? I know that I'm a little damaged, that's not the question. I have issues. I am unreasonable, almost as critical of others as I am towards myself, I have difficulty trusting, and when I do trust, I trust the wrong people.
I want to be normal. There, I said it--the one thing the "against the establishment" girl doesn't say. Normalcy...I pray for it.
All gunned down. This poem reminds me more of them than of Hercules or Theseus.
Mother Earth, are the heroes dead?
You know, I love classic poetry just at much as the modern slam, beatwords kind. Keats is really something.
The trip was really lovely. Salem is a town that has Halloween all year long, haunted houses in December! Mrs. Kinter stole these cups with bats on them from one of the seafood restaraunts we went to. I walked out to the car with her and Katie thinking we were getting the camera and as we open the trunk she says "Shaunie..we're doing something bad" and pulls out two glasses. It was pretty funny.]
As much as I do tend to adore them, I've learned that the Kinter family as a whole is pretty LOUD. That was uncomfortable at times, just because I can be extremely mellow and quiet, but for the most part I think I enjoyed the personality and humor. Nights in the hotel were best, listening to Katie and her sister Carly argue over the thermastat, who would be able to use the shower first, and a lot of other pointless trivial things. Carly reminds me a lot of Almeda, except I like her more. Probably because she's not my sister..I don't blame Katie for resenting her.
Sunday we went to drive to Gloucster (?) to see the Ocean. It was amazing. It really does make you feel small. It also reminded me of Pirates which reminded me of Nicole. I really wished she could of been there, I know she would have loved every detail. ESPECIALLY the Pirate Museum, I loved the mural on the wall. I'll try and post it once I upload that set of pictures.
Katie, her brother Kyle, her sister Carly, Kyle's friend Mack, Travis (Carly's boyfriend) and I all climbed up on stones that went far out into the water and collected shells. It was perfect...almost. I wish it would have been warm enough to swim.
All in all it was a good trip. I saw and learned a lot in just the couple days we were there. I wish I got to travel more. Later days I guess.
I'm going to see the ocean for the first time.
To the PHS Guidance Office:
I've had the pleasure of teaching Shaunie during her Freshman year and now as a Senior and have found her to be very inquisitive, likable, and studious. As a student, Shaunie shows remarkable talent. She is conscientious about her work and always submits her work well done and on time. From what I've been able to observe, Shaunie has great potential for success in whatever career field she chooses. Shaunie seems to be a dedicated and unique individual. She is independently motivated and drives herself to achieve beyond my expectations. She is respected by her peers and by ther teachers as well. As for her work ethic, Shaunie works as hard as any student I know. I have found her to be independent and hard working.
As far as intellectual promise, I believe that her future is limited only by her own desires. HArd work is not a stranger to Shaunie and she will do whatever amount of work it takes to be successful. She is self motivated, mature for her age, and possesses integrity that belies her youth. I found her to be meticulous in her class assignments and concerned about others. She has a voracious appetite for knowledge and is not afraid to volunteer and to work hard. She also seems very committed to whatever she decides to do and has seen her projects through to their completion.
It is with enthusiasm that I recommend Shaunie Marie Cadieux to you for college matriculation. She will bring honor and spirit to any university she chooses to attend.
Roger P. Lacroix
And I'll take that long drive down,
to spend two months in your town,
but I'm scared to death that i won't see you around,
if you're anything like me,
then you'll pack your bags and leave,
cause you know you'll be going eventually.
You know those days that the air has an electric quality and you can feel the static rushing through your veins; it gives you goosebumps? At any second lightning could strike the tree next you you and it could burst into flames. And you would think beauty, poetry, prose. But it doesn't and you smile anyway. Any second and it could begin to pour. And You would think run, dance, scream. But it doesn't and you stay still. I love that feeling. It's perfect.
Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
Frank: You know Marcel Proust?
Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that
(It makes me laugh)<3
I'm getting stronger
I'm going to Albany tomorrow for two days
It's getting a little easier to love myself
I really want to be one of the next gsa co chairs, and I hope I get it
I am interested in a girl, and she's really cute
There are a few awesome schools with creative writing programs..
Later this month I'm going to New Hampshire
I feel like crying in frustration right now, and thats strange because nothing is the matter
I'm going to have to be up early
If there was ever a bad time to get close to people it's now, because people are leaving...
But it's never a bad time to get close to people
I am constantly falling in love with ideas
I guess that makes me a visionary...kinda
Sometimes I feel like I'm too honest with people,
Then again, sometimes I feel like I'm a liar
I'm excited for community prom
I should probably use that one month unlimited tanning gift certificate that I got for christmas
I don't have the motivation for this at the moment...
You know those days that the air has an electric quality and you can feel the static rushing through your veins; it gives you goosebumps. At any second lighting could strike the tree next you you and it could burst into flames. And you would think beauty, poetry, prose. But it doesn't and you smile anyway. Any second and it could being to pour. You would think run, scream, dance. But it doesn't and you stay still. I love the feeling. It's perfect.
I thought you should know.